50 Comments

  1. Absolutely hilarious! I had to read parts of this out loud for my coworker. I don’t have any kids yet, but I doubt I’ll be any better at this talk when the time comes. “Penis” still makes me giggle

  2. Oh, how this post made me laugh. 🙂 I came here by way of Elvira’s recommendation at Songs of Home, and she was right about how funny you are.

    I think talking about body parts with kids is never fun or easy. We’d been calling our daughter’s girl part a “bajingo” until her doc reminded us that it was best to use the correct words. Which are of course no fun and make everyone feel awkward.

    Good luck with not laughing — or gagging — during future talks!

    • Susan Maccarelli

      When I read ‘bajingo’, it made me thing that you could re-make the B-I-N-G-O song for that word to have some real fun!

  3. I have no experience on that matter, as my son is only 16 months old now. I do realize that my husband already shivers having to talk about anything that relates to body parts and what they’re intended for at any time. But hey, he wanted a son 😀
    I think the appropriate time is when the child asks about it. Not that you have to avoid the subject ’til that moment, but I think it’s easier when they come up with some ideas and you have to tackle it. Like having nipples in weird places 😀

  4. courtneyconover

    Okay, is it wrong that I am the mother of both a young boy and young girl, and the biggest takeaway of this post was this: “…But I can assure you that nothing on your body is ‘like it was before’ after childbirth.” (A topic I am scheduled to elaborate on on Friday’s post, but I digress…)

    Perhaps this is because, I, too, am unqualified in this arena. I am scared shitless of K and S being in a position of having to fend off a sexual predator, though, so I better get my act together in order to educate them…

    I wish there was some sort of class we could take together. Like, say, Preschooler Private Parts for Dummies.

    Oh, Susan. This. Was. Brilliant.

    • Susan Maccarelli

      Thanks Courtney. We TOTALLY need to take Preschooler Private Parts for Dummies together — especially if you’ll let me cheat off of you!

  5. I’m laughing so hard the tears are preventing me from typing this comment! Must….compoase…myself…before a herd of puerile teenagers come in for the next class and ask me why I’m laughing and crying…if you thought body parts were hard to explain to a toddler….

  6. Barbara Gibson

    amazingly funny!! and enlightening even to a Grandma…it never gets easier, I have girls of all ages in my life, some whom I am sure have better words to express then the ones I chose to use throughout the 80’s..In our home we just made do with whatever the children said, my spouse came from a large family who routinely made up their own language. The rectum was your “brown eyed grumpy”…gas is “toots”,poop,”scoots” and your private parts became some how your “pirates”…I still shrivel a bit when my 15 yr old grand girl speaks of her female part as her Vjj…but I am learning to take it all in stride. As I shower with a 4 yr old water hog most mornings I am always exposed, literally…we have a routine complete with the wash and rinse cycle…hiney,buttocks, and wee, have become an every day part of the routine…I agree with the MD’s for the most part, but have no idea exactly what to say when this same 4 year old insists she has a baby in her tummy, (just like her Mama) that kicks and cries…she also believes that we went to a special place called the hospital, not to actually take baby out, but to pick out the perfect baby to bring home, kind of like how we see shoes on the shelf and when she chooses the “just right” for her pair, we gleefully say “perfect”…Somehow later seems a great answer to explain…right now I am just trying to deal with the difference between real and make believe as I am still giving a made up boy a shower every morning along with my very real granddaughter

    • Susan Maccarelli

      Barbara – that is hilarious!! My daughter is constantly telling me some stuffed animal or another came out of her tummy. My favorite is ‘pirates’ – I love that!

  7. Hilarious. And I’m in complete agreement! I also hate the word “stool.” Just had to get that out of the way. And, no, the body is not the same. I was at 43 weeks, had to be induced, didn’t work, emergency c-section followed up by post-partum pre-eclampsia (a “post” that should never precede a “pre”), so just let’s not go there. As far as I’ve gotten w/ my own almost-four-year-old is explaining she was born in a hospital and I carried her in my belly and her response was: I don’t want to do that again. I shook her hand on the deal.

    • Susan Maccarelli

      So funny Liz! 43 weeks is insane!! I didn’t think they would even let someone go that long anymore. Ugh!

  8. I think my daughter was seven or eight when we bought the book and covered these topics. I was afraid that by doing it too soon we’d just have to re-do “the talk” when she was older. The book we bought really covered everything, but what really gets me is her children’s bible. We’re reading Romans before bed right now and there are some chapters where every other word is “circumcision.” Really? I guess there was no way to G-rate that and still get the point accross, but I feel like I’ve said that word WAY too many times!

    • Susan Maccarelli

      Oh geez! And who can really explain that except maybe a dr. I know kind of what it is, but I am pretty sure my explanation would be lacking…I’ll be sure to watch out for the Children’s Bible!

  9. I thought this was hilarious! I’ve been telling my daughter for some time that they needed to teach my grandson the anatomically correct words for his body parts, but she was convinced that weiner was the best route to go. Until, my son-in-love offered my grandson a weiner from the grill. The look on his face was priceless, she said! I said, I told you so!

    I think the book is an interesting idea, but really, for children this young, I’d just start out with the correct words for their own body parts. The rest can be dealt with as they ask questions! Loved your post, Susan!

    • Susan Maccarelli

      Come over any time and give a lesson Holly! I agree, weiner has way too many other meanings.

  10. LOL I totally understand that. It’s only been having two sons and a husband to make it so I can stifle my snicker to a mental one instead of a verbal one. Also, I cheated a little because my husband got to explain the bits, I’m going to wait on the birds and the bees until they’re a wee bit older, but at least my kid knows what a penis is, and that Mommy has another name for it called weiners and bits. So really, he knows the right names, but I had/have nothing to do with it. XD

  11. Ha! That’s one of the main reasons we stopped using that term. I became increasingly paranoid about what might happen if her daycare teachers had the kids sing “Bingo.” LOL

    • Susan Maccarelli

      You should get a big award for being one of those open parents whose kids can talk about anything with them if she read that aloud to you — too funny!

  12. I’ve always used the correct terms for the anatomy, but that doesn’t not mean I’m entirely comfortable with it. I’m sorry, but that book sounds like it would make me laugh too! Love the new look of your blog btw. 🙂

  13. Oh my gosh – SO funny! When my boys were little, a friend told me that I had to start referring to their “boy parts” by the proper names, or I would ruin them. I never could bring myself to do it. Of course, now they’d rather eat nails than talk to me about any of that stuff :).

  14. This cracked me up. I think I was able to cover the basics but we did not go into great anatomical detail. As long as your kids can talk without shame using whatever names you all are comfortable with, that’s a significant win in my books.

  15. Haha haha — this made me laugh!! We are sticking to Dr Seuss at bedtime now… Maybe I will suggest my husband handles the anatomy lessons because I would giggle, too.

  16. Being the ultra liberal, Source wearing, tree hugging, bark eating mama I am, I raised my child quite openly, always saying inside my head “open.honest…” – you have given me fine fodder for todays blog – Things That The Kid Said In The Car and the Mother Who Drove Him 🙂 I knew you’d be a perfect muse!

  17. My husband had to do the sex talk with all three of our kids because I couldn’t stop laughing. He, on the other hand did a terrific job using all the proper terminology, answering all their questions, while I hid in the background muffling my laughter. I don’t know why I couldn’t chat about it, there really was nothing funny, I think I was just embarrassed.

  18. I’ve been struggling with this for a while. It seems like such a big deal is being made out of teaching them the correct words so that they can report an incident in details. However I feel that if a child comes and says that someone touched them in appropriately it doesn’t matter whether they call it a pee pee or a penis, it it was touched it was touched, end of story!! Similarly if a child bites another child it is just said ‘he bit me on my arm’ no one investigates and asks for the correct name, ie brachium (upperarm), antebrachium (forearm), manus (hand) etc, no, we deal with the wound if any, the emotional trauma caused and the aggressor. What also bothers me is that showing them pictures of what it looks like, and giving the parts names, how will the child know what it FEELS like if those specific parts were actually touched, cause let’s face it, those are not parts we look at everyday…well…unless you’re a boy and totally fascinated with your penis 😉 ? We not gonna touch it and say “do you feel that? that this is your ‘whatever part you touching’ ” I personally feel that more emphasis should be made regarding appropriate and inappropriate touching, authorised and unauthorised persons, and to know that even an authorised person can do things that are inappropriate and they should speak up about it. I’m not saying i’m NOT going to teach her the right names, but that won’t be my main focus. Maybe when she’s older I’ll go more indepth, not now at age 3.

    Anyway…I do love this blog post, and had a good giggle too.

  19. Hannah

    Thank you for this, I’m crying laughing. I was raised with the correct terminology, so it was easy for me to talk to my daughter about it. I do get strange looks in public when she talks about it though! For example the other day she said, “Mom, I’m going to do lots of adventures, and go to college, and get married, and have a house, BEFORE I let my husband sperm me and have a baby.” Wait, what?! I never told her the word sex, so I guess she filled in the blank. And I applaud her goals, but…

    Also she is seven now, and I am struggling with what to tell when she asks me why she can’t be naked in public. I don’t want her to feel ashamed of her body, and explaining that some adults hurt children, especially if they see them naked, is such a horrendous concept.

    PS. On a darker note I know a women who had to take her daughter in to CPS to do an investigation, and they told her they couldn’t tell BECAUSE her two and a half year old knew the correct terminology. Her pediatrician got involved to protest, but CPS refused to take the investigation further. So who knows what the right way to go is.

    • Susan Maccarelli

      I like your daughters goals! The public nudity thing is tricky. How DO you explain pedophiles to a kid – ugh! I’m sure I can find a post about how to explain it properly somewhere. That is ridiculous about CPS – what does a child having a proper vocabulary have to do with it? You can’t win sometimes I guess. That poor woman and child.

  20. Connie

    I’m blaming insomnia and Pinterest for landing me here. It’s 1:30 am and I was scanning pins while trying to force myself to get sleepy. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Instead, I’m snickering like a school girl and trying to not wake hubby or our 3 yo daughter. I dread “the talk” with her and I taught Health classes for HS students in the early part of my career – complete with anatomical terms. Some of the goofiest memories are from those classes as I tried to be serious without insanely embarrassing myself. Thanks for the laugh!

    • Susan Maccarelli

      Heehee – glad you came across my site in the wee hours. I’m sure my writing is much funnier after midnight! I am impressed by the fact that you survived teaching high school health!

  21. Jpm000

    I don’t have kids but I work in a child care center, specifically the school age program. The stories I could write about… I complimented one student on his baseball uniform and he said ” thanks I’m wearing a cup” and the worst part was as soon as I said “nice uniform” I just kind of had this feeling those were going to be the next words out of his mouth.

    • Susan Maccarelli

      Hahahaha. I’d love to have heard your response. I know what I would have said “Thanks for the info.” — my stock answer to TMI.

  22. Nara

    I loved this post, I laughed so hard that I cried. I am completely the same, only I had a son. When it comes to any of that, I go straight to his uncle and grandfather and say, ask them.

  23. I laugh, too. I’m so immature. My son is almost 5 and my daughter is 3. We have been trying to have these talks, but it always ends with me barely being able to get a word out without cracking up and my children looking confused.

  24. This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. My youngest daughter did not…NOT…want to have that talk or any other sort of talk. I bought a book for her, put it on her bed and said nothing. She came home and promptly placed it on the dining room table. I finally felt ready to talk to her after stuttering through those talks with her older sister, and the kid wouldn’t talk to me. Or read about it. It’s been ten years and I still tense up. I was finally qualified but that didn’t do me any good!

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