Back in the day when I was full-on man trapping for a husband, I wish I had known that I would someday be a mom blogger. I would have put my potential mates (and by that I mean the one boy who would date me), through a rigorous test of skills and abilities.
I lucked out with my husband who turned out to be the perfect blogger mate, but I feel compelled to share the most important qualities to look for with those future mom bloggers who may still be searching.
- The Male Chimp: First, it is important to make sure your prospective mate has technical skills. WordPress, coding experience and MailChimp are just a few of the technical skills needed so that you don’t have to do that confusing shit yourself. Note: Ideally he will not look like a male chimp, however, this should be negotiable considering the importance of having cool looking social media buttons and SEO.
- The SPAM Fan: The potential mate should not be picky about his food. This is important because you will often overcook eggs while staring at Google Analytics immediately after posting something new. You may mis-measure ingredients for beef stroganoff while constantly refreshing during a twitter party. You will also forget to thaw the meat of the day because you got caught up trying to undo checking the ‘Also send email to your circles’ box on Google plus, and thus have spammed everyone in the blogosphere. This is where your spam problem becomes a SPAM for dinner problem for your mate. The SPAM Fan rolls with it.
- The Willing Butt: Contrary to how this sounds, it is not sexual (though I am not judging your preferences). You need to find someone who is willing to be the butt of your jokes all over your blog. Once you start your mom blog, you will throw him under the bus willingly and often to get laughs, empathy and other forms of attention (and site visits). Weiner size, parenting skills, and gross habits are all on the table. Nothing is off limits to The Willing Butt.
- The Sosh Meed: The Meedster has multiple active social media accounts and shares your content reliably and with glee. Facebook and Twitter are must haves. Points should be deducted for Pinterest, as there is an inverse relationship between number of Pinterest Boards and penis size. Hey, I’m looking out for all your interests, not just blogging. Bonus points should be awarded for StumbleUpon, Reddit, Digg and other platforms that I have seen buttons for but have no idea what they are.
- The Monk: This potential mate can be content when alone, or just when in the same room with someone on their computer who replies to everything he says with an ‘um-hmm’ or an did you just interrupt my blogging? sigh. He doesn’t need constant attention and preferably raises his hand before speaking. When ignored at length, The Monk occupies himself by finding cool plugins for your blog, sharing your posts to his friends and/or bringing you leftover SPAM on toast with mustard sandwiches.
There you have it. Go forth future mom bloggers and find your mate. I’m lucky that my mate possesses 4 of these 5 qualities. Unfortunately he falls behind on The Sosh Meed quality , in fact he just got a Facebook account last week. Luckily for me though, he is NOT on Pinterest.
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