I need to start this out by dwelling on the fact that Dollar Shave Club reached out to me to do this post.
This is not a sponsored post and I am not getting free razors for life for doing this or anything, they are just running an interactive campaign called “Spring Cleaning for Your Bathroom”. When they emailed and asked me to post on this topic, I answered! (after running to my husband and bragging that Dollar Shave Club knows who I am of course). BTW, he definitely thinks I am a little cooler now, and that’s something my QVC addiction and adult obsession with WHAM! has never been able to accomplish.
If you have not heard of Dollar Shave Club, then try leaving your house this decade, because I’m pretty sure that even my kids could pick out Alejandro in a warehouse line up. If you don’t know what I am talking about, watch this minute and a half video that launched Dollar Shave Club into the stratosphere of viral marketing and you will be prepared to hang with the cool kids (or at least to make Alejandro references around them and observe their confused looks).
In an effort to get them to notice, tweet, retweet, share, like, pin and otherwise make out with my post online with the world watching, I will mention them as many times as possible in this post. Dollar Shave Club.
Alright, now to the meat of this post: Spring Cleaning in the Bathroom. While my housewife fails are plenty, I’m not afraid to toot my own horn on surface cleaning. I can’t fold a fitted sheet, I don’t iron and I don’t even want to think about grout cleaning, but I give GOOD surface clean! I can prove it, because the sterile photo below is actually my bathroom counter on a normal day. Even hand soap lives in a drawer because I don’t like clutter. [Insert OCD comment here].
As I started peeking into the cabinets, drawers and closet where the real mess lives in my bathroom, I made several discoveries of items that I have apparently been hoarding since the dawn of time. My 5 prehistoric finds are as follows:
1. Sunscreen – My sunscreen has been hanging around for YEARS. You are probably thinking “She must be super tan and never burn’ or ‘Man she is UV irresponsible’. Not so much. Look in the side bar at my pasty white face. Scroll up and shade your eyes. The rest of my body is even paler. When I was younger, I would purposely lay out and get my tan on every summer. My sweet mild mannered father uttered this to me in my 20’s: “No man is going to want you went you when you are old and leathery”. So yes, I got my tan on. Now that I am old and have two toddlers, there is no relaxing and soaking up the suns rays. I wear a hat to completely shield myself. And sleeves. Yes, sleeves. In the summer. Long ones. I have no time to slather myself with anything.
2. Medicine – While I am typically the anti-hoarder, there are 2 things I have a hard time throwing away even after they pass their expiration — spices and medication. Maybe I think I will have a cumin emergency someday or that Burt’s Bees lozenges will be a hot commodity when the zombie apocolypse comes, I don’t know. A perfect example is that we have 2 bottles of Ibuprofin. One is newer and is at least half full, and the other has 1 capsule in it. One. I recently threw out my back and my husband went to get me some Ibuprofin out of the drawer. He went to the old bottle and said ‘Ummm, this probably isn’t good anymore’ and put it back in the bottle. This scene has played itself out over at least 9 lives of this single freakin’ pill. My spring cleaning consisted of me throwing the lone pill into the newer bottle in an effort to consolidate and forget that it is from 1993.
3. Hotel Samples – Whenever I stay at hotels, I burglarize the samples as if my hygeine depends on it (see zombie apocolypse fears mentioned above). At this time, my stash is running low, but the remnants are the bottom of the barrel crap that I will never use. Lotion and conditioner are always leftovers that hang around for eons, whereas bath gel is a rare find that will only last a minute in the samples drawer (yes, I have a drawer devoted entirely to tiny stolen items).
4. Nail Polish – This is my nail polish collection (peeking out from under the nail kit). I am a nail biter, so other than brief spurts of trying to grow my nails, I have no use for nail polish. When I try to throw it away, I start calculating “$8 per O.P.I. bottle, times all the bottles equals…well 8 is one of those numbers like 7 that I have a hard time multiplying… but its a lot” so I keep them in my drawer and make good use of them sitting there. For that reason, my polish collection is mostly consisting of polish that has turned into some sort of strong smelling clumpy goo whose little mixer ball bearings are stuck in the sludge of the bottles interior like a fly in honey. Poor ball bearings.
5. Shoe Polish Kit – This find was under my husband’s cabinet. I had to study it for a while to even know what it was. I recall seeing something like this as a small child, but I didn’t know people still had them and I’m pretty sure I have NEVER seen my husband use it. As minimalist as he claims to be, I’m pretty sure if his shoe was scuffed he would deem it worthy of a trip to Kenneth Cole for new shoes, not a reason to get his shoe shine on. Don’t we just use Sharpies to ‘polish’ our shoes now anyway? For this reason, I conclude that this too is a prehistoric bathroom find and submit it to the Society for preservation of caveman master bath tools.
Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club.