Before about 9pm at night, I’m acceptably together with my look. I shower every morning, put on trace amounts of make up, organize my hair (notice I didn’t say style), and put on a casual, but not frumpy outfit and earrings. Can you really ask much more from a mom of 2 small kids? Like midnight for Cinderella, around 9-10pm it all goes downhill for me, and though he would never admit it, my husband also has to witness the transformation and is probably increasingly horrified as I add new ‘accessories’.
Socks – First in my transformation is socks or slippers. My feet are always cold, and if they are exposed to the elements, my whole body is freezing within minutes. Rather than address what is probably poor circulation due to couch potato-y-ness, I choose to bundle up my piggies. This seems harmless enough, except for the fact that my husband has a slipper aversion. I’ve tried all kinds, but for some reason, he is disgusted by them and refers to them as ‘bacteria traps’. Granted I’ve had smelly feet since I was a kid (perpetuated by shoes with no socks back then). As an adult, the foot funk continues because (I believe) the B.O. from my entire body is channeled out through my feet. You see, I am odorless otherwise (not to toot my own horn (and am I really? I just admitted that the funk of an entire human is oozing from my size 6.5’s). Back to the irrational slipper phobia — I have no idea why he has this issue or why he finds them worse than shoes, but he has a problem with them. A serious problem, as in — he might love me a little less for owning them. For this reason, I have tried to weed out the slippers in lieu of socks, however, the socks have to be a certain wooly-ness and thickness to achieve the foot warming goal, which seems to negate any slipper-free benefits that might otherwise be recognized.
Eyewear – Second in my nightly makeover is the change from contact lenses to glasses. This doesn’t seem so bad does it? It probably wasn’t… until my latest addition…READERS! Who knew that 38 year olds could need readers!? I thought you probably had to be at least early 40s before needing these little fashion accessories, but no. After I told my husband I was having trouble bringing close up text into focus, he helpfully suggested that it was probably a rare degenerative eye disease. Thanks honey. So I did what any woman would do – I Googled it and then called my mommy. Long story short, in the evening I am either wearing my regular glasses, readers, or feeling my way around because I don’t have either of those on.
Mouth Guard – The third and final accessory paramount to my PM pre-slumber regimen is the mouth guard. I am talking over-the-counter-rubbery-Kanye-West-cheek-causing mouth guard. When I went to the dentist a few months ago they noted that my teeth were showing major signs of grinding/clenching and recommended the mouth guard. After sleeping with it for only one night, I could feel myself clenching and am sure that if I go even one night without it now, I will wake up with tiny nub teeth that are good only for eating yogurt and making whistle-y noises. For this reason, I’m a faithful wearer. I always forget it at first and lay my head down to sleep only to say ‘Oh! I forgot my night guard!’, to which my husband replies “Don’t go near there”, because he thinks that is what a night duty guard would say, and finds himself hilarious speaking as the ‘night guard’. I secretly think its funny too and have even roused him from slumber to tell him I just got my night guard so I can hear him say it. “Don’t go near there”.
And so sweet husband: While I appreciate you pretending that my increasing nightly nerd accessories don’t bother you, I’m sure that they do. I would ask that you add something to your own regimen to make me feel better: A snoring apparatus maybe? Oh I know! How about one of those pore strips that pulls black heads out of your nose? I know you don’t snore or have black heads, but don’t you want to come down to my level? It’s fun down here! Or, you could remain cool and accessory-free. I just hope you don’t start listening to the night guard’s warning as he sees my after-9 appearance: ‘Don’t go near there’.